Fellow critter and talented lyricist /u/RenoHex posted these lyrics a while back (link here) and he was kind enough to let me record this cover of The Real Slim Shady. As mentioned in the post, Scanlan's backstory is based on Eminem's career (And motherf***ers act like they forgot about Dra).
May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Scanlan Shorthalt please stand up?
I repeat, will the real Scanlan Shorthalt please stand up?
(I am standing!)
Y'all act like you never seen a rock gnome before!
Jaws all over the floor like Anders when Vax burst in the door
and jammed a dagger in his eye worse than before
He tried to dimension door
Trying to escape his last battle
It's the return of the
”Oh, wait, no way, you're kidding
he didn't just counterspell me like that, did he?”
And then Professor Anders said
Nothing, you idiots, Prof Anders is dead
His name's off the barrel!
Clerical women love SnS,
(That's Scanlan Shorthalt)
Scan Shorty, need more of this,
Look at this, walking around grabbing his bags of sand,
Flipping the Bigby's Hand,
”Yeah, he's just a real man's man!”
Yeah, I'll probably break a couple hearts when I let loose
But you know I'll make it up for them in the bedroom!
Once in Crucible I bet that Grog would lose
but it's OK since I bought him a few gallons of booze
My flute is on my lips, my flute is on my lips,
and if you're lucky I just might give it a little kiss
and that's the lesson I delivered my little kid
and expected her to know what a loving father is
Of course she wouldn't stab me through my heart
When she got to me alone, she's a Shorthalt, ain't she?
We ain't nothing but minstrels,
well, some of us swindlers
Who woo single women with a few winks and giggles
But if we can hunt shambling mounds and lycanthropes
then there's no reason that Vax and another half-elf can't elope!
Vex: "Ugh!"
But if you feel like I feel I've got the antidote,
paid women wave your pantyhose, sing the chorus and it goes:
[CHORUS]
I'm Scan Shorty, yes, I'm the real sporty,
I'm just looking around to find me a fine shawty
So won't the real Scan Shorty please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?
Cause I'm Scan Shorty, yes, I'm the real sporty,
I'm just looking around to find me a fine shawty
So won't the real Scan Shorty please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?
[/CHORUS]
Wizards don't have to sing to cast spells. Well I do,
So fuck them and fuck warlocks too.
You think I give a damn about a cantrip?
Half of these baddies can't even attack me, let alone hurt me.
”But Scan, what if you can kill an enemy with a song?”
I'd probably celebrate in a brothel, is that somehow wrong?
Take my victim's skull and fashion it to a bong
And huff from it with Grog until we're both ding dong
I'd climb the highest tower and ring the biggest gong
And I'd hire a fledgling bard and bring him along
As my apprentice, he'd make me a theme song
Make me seem charming, wise and headstrong
Find me a fine lady dressed in a sarong
and see if there's anything underneath but a thong (Whoa!)
I'm sick of these Lord and Lady Briarwoods, all you do is annoy me, So I came to Whitestone to destroy you!
And there's a whole party of us just like me
Who come with me,
Who I can make look just like me
And who just like me
walk, talk and act like me
and just might be the next best thing but not quite me!
[CHORUS]
I'm like a head trip to listen to,
Cause I'm a living legend who dares
to say what you want about the bear
The only difference is I've got the balls to say it
in front of y'all and I don't gotta be false or sugarcoat it at all I just look Vex in the eye and say it
And you know that I'm right, admit it
That damn animal is useless
then you wonder how you make that beastie be stealthy
It's funny, how after all of my own merits
I could just go and fall for a cleric
I'm sure Sarenrae approves of my sweet-ass beret
And I'll get future Mrs Shorthalt precious gems a hundred carats
And every single minstrel is a Scan Shorty lurking,
he's playing in the corner pub, betting in the fighting ring
Or in Vatican with the pope, laughing, claiming
”I'm a holy man!”
Like only a shameless bard can
So, will the real Scan Shorty please stand up,
And put a certain finger of Bigby's Hand up,
and be proud to be out of your mind and out of control, and one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?
[CHORUS]
[CHORUS]
Haha,
There is no Scan Shorty in any of you.
Just remain seated, people, I'm one of a kind.
[Flute solo]