My chicken's cold, I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all
I can't see shit outside my window, 'cause our druid cast a wall
And even if I could it'll all be gray, but your portrait on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad, it's not so bad
Dear Scanlan, I wrote you but you still ain't scrying
I left my guild, inn and home address at the bottom
I sent two shit jars back in autumn, you must not-a got 'em
There probably was a dragon incursion in Emon or something
Sometimes I scribble addresses flammable when I jot 'em
but anyways; fuck it, what's been up? Man, how's your daughter?
My cleric's pregnant too, I'm about to be a father
If I have a daughter, guess what I'ma call her?
Something I'll remember so I won't almost fuck her.
I read about your uncle Tibsy too, I'm sorry
I had a friend mauled by an ancient dragon who didn't like him
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan
I even got the underground shit that you did on shawm
I got a room full of your portraits and etchings man
I like the shit you did with the SHITS, too, that shit was phat
Anyways, I hope you get this man, scry me back
just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
This is Stahnn
My chicken's cold, I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all
I can't see shit outside my window, someone hit it with a maul
And even if I could it'll all be gray, but your portrait on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad, it's not so bad
Dear Scanlan, you still ain't scried or shat, I hope you have a chance
I ain't mad - I just think it's FUCKED UP you don't inspire fans
If you didn't wanna talk to me outside Whitestone castle
you didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Mercer
That's my little halfling friend, he's only three feet tall
We waited in the undead rebellion for you, four hours, and you just said "No"
That's pretty shitty man - you're like his fucking deity
He wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do
I ain't mad though, I just don't like deception checks
Remember when we met in Westruun - you said if I'd scry you
you would scry me back - see I'm just like you in a way
I never knew my father neither;
he summoned Bigby's hand on my mom to beat her
I can relate to what you're saying in your songs
so when I have a shitty day, I drift away and put 'em on
'Cause I don't really got shit else so that shit helps when I'm depressed
I even got an enchantment with your name across the chest
Sometimes I even cut myself to try blood magic spells
It's like adrenaline, the necromancy's such a rush for me
See everything you say is real, and I respect you 'cause you tell it
My cleric's jealous 'cause I talk about you 24/7
But she don't know you like I know you Scanlan, no one does
She don't know what it was like for bards like us growing up
You gotta scry me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Stahnn
-- P.S.
We should quest together, too.
My chicken's cold, I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all
I can't see shit outside my window, 'cause it ate a fireball
And even if I could it'll all be gray, but your portrait on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad, it's not so bad
Dear Mister I'm-Too-Good-To-Shit-And-Scry-My-Fans,
this'll be the last package I ever send out my ass
It's been two apocalypses and still no word - I don't deserve it!
I know you got my last two shit jars; I impregnated them perfect.
So this is my jar I'm sending you, I hope you smell it
I'm on the carpet now, doing 90 on the Ozmit
Hey Scanlan, I snorted fusaka, you dare me to fly?
You know the song by Ken Plucker, "In Stillben Tonight"
about that group who coulda saved that other group from wiping
but didn't, then Ken saw it all, then in an inn he found them?
That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning
Now it's too late - I'm on a pound of spice now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a jar
I hope you know, I ripped all your portraits off the wall
I love you Scanlan, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you dream in the mansion about it
And when you dream I hope the mansion collapses and you SCREAM about it
I hope your servants EAT YOU and you can't BREATHE without me
See Scanlan; [RIP headphone users] Shut up witch! I'm trying to talk!
Hey Scanlan, that's my cleric in the Bag of Holding
But I didn't shit her bed, I just tied her up, see I ain't like you
'Cause if she does a Dork the Ox she'll suffocate and then she'll die, too
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the coast now
Oh shit, I forgot, how'm I supposed to send this shit out?
[carpet squeal] [CRASH]
..[brief silence].. [ACID]