Burke Jogger hEART-LESSLY MURDERED
Local resident Cheryl Meep was brutally murdered early this Tuesday. Her body was discovered on June 18th around noon in Burke Lake Park. Investigators have been completely baffled with the ongoing investigation. They pinpoint the time of death sometime in the early morning, likely when Cheryl was out on her daily morning jog. She was attacked, and brutally maimed, as detectives found her body covered in scrapes and gashes. Lead investigator, Lt. Gary Garn offered the opening report about the incident:
“Currently police are looking for a murderer. The key detail in our investigation is that whoever attacked this poor woman is definitely a sadistic twisted individual. After killing her, they cut her open and took out her heart. We have not ruled out some sort of satanic ritual. These suburbs kids can be freaks. If you or anyone you know saw anything related to the incident, please contact the Burke Co. Police Dept. at 555-777-1313”
dc suburbs have a hairy problem
The problems with millennials have gone too far this time. We good, Christian folk moved out here to get away from the hubbub and classlessness of the city streets. And yet, with the introduction of such heathen establishments, like the Standard barbershop, young people are trying ridiculous new styles: The man-bun, Santa Claus beards, and even mutton chops have come back. These menaces to society have invaded our quiet neighborhoods and are leaving their hair all over. A local resident, Barbara, has lived in Annandale for 87 years, and she spoke with us about this growing problem.
”These hairy kids have ruined my once beautiful home. Several times I’ve been out walking my sweet Fluffykins to see these wolf-men, creeping around. How is anyone supposed to see their faces with all that hair draping down their head? Its a true atrocity, and a trend I hope ends quickly.”
Unfortunately for Barbara, it doesn’t seem like this trend will be leaving any time soon. In fact, these days, millennials are only getting hairier.
Sleepy suburb rudely awakened
The small town of Fairfax, Virginia has reported widespread incidents of cattle mutilations in the past month. These reports are strange due to the complete lack of farmland in the area. Witness to one of these incidents, local failed musician Will Crosswait, reported the following:
“It’s very strange. I’ve never seen cows here before, but now they’re just layin’ around all dead in the street”
These savage acts of violence have been met with investigatory confusion. The lead investigator, Sgt. Jagger, reported that the animals hearts have all gone missing, although the rest of the organs appear to be mostly intact.
“This leads me to believe that this may be something more than a wild cougar or wolf pack. There absolutely could be foul play involved”
There have been a total of nine such incidents in the past three months, with three occurring on the week of July 7th. Whatever the perpetrator, man or beast, they do not appear to be stopping….